Everything expressed in this web site comes from my own personal life experience and is also my own interpretation of what others have taught me.
Last updated: October 16, 2011
References:
ACA -- Red Book, Adult Children of
Alcoholics
AA -- Blue Book,
Alcoholics Anonymous
KK -- A
Conscious Person's Guide to Relationships, book by Ken Keyes
SP
-- Books by Susan Page,
http://www.susanpage.com/
ACIM
-- A Course in Miracles, book; also check out
Plain Language ACIM at http://www.placim.com/
HH
-- All the books by Harville
Hendrix, http://www.harvillehendrix.com/
ET
-- All the books by Eckhart
Tolle, http://www.eckharttolle.com/
POV
-- Psychology of Vision, Workshops and
books by Chuck Spezzano, http://www.psychologyofvision.com/;
www.iloveyouloveme.com
VM --
Vision Mountain, Workshops and books by Chris Moon,
http://www.visionmountain.com/
YM
-- Your Money of Your Life Book,
http://ymoyl.wordpress.com/
DUP
-- Dances of Universal Peace,
www.dancesofuniversalpeacena.org
EG
-- Personality Test,
http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/
MW
-- Relationships as a Spiritual
Assignment, Marianne Williamson, http://www.marianne.com/
CL
-- Conscious Loving book,
and other books from Hendricks Institute http://www.hendricks.com
1. The first step on the path is to join a 12-step group such as Adult Children of Alcoholics (http://www.adultchildren.org/). Find one that you like, that has a variety of old-timers and newcomers, where you feel safe, which has fun. Download the literature from the website.
Don't concern yourself with the Alcoholics part of the name. The group is really for anyone who grew up in a dysfunctional home. "Adult child" is a good description for those of us who did not complete all the stages of childhood development and were thrust into adulthood before we were mature. (Most Westerners fit this description.) If you can't find an ACA group in your area you can attend open AA or Al-Anon meetings and still get most of the benefits. At the core all 12-step groups are the same, just the wording is different.
Attend lots of meetings, it’s your new hobby. Do what they suggest... it works if you work the program.
In parallel with that your second hobby will be to look after yourself. Get physical exercise every day. Eat healthy meals. You'll get faster results if you embody the learning/unlearning and that means going into the body... physical stuff. Mind and body are interconnected.
You may want to hire a therapist for some of the thornier issues.
Twelve-step groups are great for: experiencing unconditional love, a safe place to express yourself, learning listening skills, compassion for others and self, spirituality that is non-religious. Plus groups are everywhere, meetings at least once a week.
Attend any type of group that does drumming, music, dancing, singing, etc. Do anything that is rhythmic and fun. Rhythmic breathing is especially beneficial. You want to restore your natural body rhythms and spend time away from “my problems”.
Check out DUP for your area. Sample:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpNV46rS_Wo&feature=related
If
you are in an intimate relationship make sure to keep your partner
‘in the loop’. When you change and grow it puts a strain
on all your relationships, including family of origin relationships.
They will probably need a lot of re-assurance from you. Sometimes
they become fearful and try to de-rail your program. Don't let
them, it's just their fear talking. Resist the temptation to change
or 'fix' others, instead, demonstrate your new-found knowledge in a
quiet and humble fashion.
If you are single avoid the tendency to get into a new relationship. It’s easy to believe we are ‘all fixed now’ and jump in before we are ready, undoing some of the work we have done.
Some people need to temporarily sever ties with family and/or friends until they get strong enough to stand up for themselves. Family and old friends know just the right buttons to push to get you back to your ‘old you’, the one they are comfortable with.
Come,
come, whoever you are.
Wanderer,
worshipper, lover of living, it doesn't matter
Ours
is not a caravan of despair.
Come
even if you have broken your vow a thousand times,
Come,
yet again, come, come. --- Jalal
al-Din Muhammad Rumi
2. Read HH's book: Keeping The Love You Find. This book will help you identify where you got stuck in your childhood development and what to work on (to re-parent).
Reading HH's book (and others like it) will give you a new perspective on yourself which is vital to allow your healing to happen. When we stand too close to our ‘defects of character’ and ‘my problems’ we identify with them (they become embedded into our personality) and then it becomes difficult to let them go because they appear to be part of who we are. We need to get some distance.
The book also includes some excellent chapters on fair fighting
and other relationship tools. He also explains how couples polarize
and project their disowned issues onto their partner.
HH
introduces Utilitarian Dating (a.k.a. Practice Partners, Sacred
Relationship, Spiritual Partnership). Practice Partners is using
noncommittal dating as a training ground where you can practice your
new behaviors and skills in a safe environment. Because you are not
afraid of losing your partner it’s much easier to try out new
behavior. More: http://www.lightomega.org/Ind/Pure/Friendship.html
A conscious couple in a Practice Partnership can make tremendous
progress in just one year. The key is to be conscious, to not let old
beliefs, reactions, or emotions sabotage the relationship. Partners
commit to a fixed time period where they will stay together ‘no
matter what’. (Of course this does not include violence or
other types of severe abuse, which are ‘deal breakers.’)
3.
Continue your study of life-skills and acquire more life-tools. Take
as many courses and couples-workshops as you can. Couple’s
workshops are particularly helpful in seeing other ways to handle
real-life situations. Check out POV, VM, and CL for workshops with a
high intensity. A 3-day workshop can often provide the
equivalent of a year's worth of growth by working on your own. Read
relationship books—as a couple if at all possible.
Any
emotion that you are afraid of (that holds you hostage) is a good
candidate for deeper examination. Anger is often one of those: take
an Anger Management Course.
4. Read
the books written by Eckhart Tolle. He has exceptional clarity
on spirituality, how we sabotage ourselves, how to get unstuck,
living in the moment.
5. Join a
group that practices meditation, breath work, energy work.
6. If you've been diligent with the above practices you will be living more and more in reality and less in daydreams, imagination, or fantasy. Your prosperity has probably improved dramatically. The next step is to receive through true giving. That transformation naturally shifts your desire for a rich outer life to living a rich inner life. And, paradoxically, your outer life becomes easier and more abundant as well, you appear to others to be 'lucky', you always seem to be in the right place at the right time.
I am
so happy, I cannot be contained in the world;
But
like a spirit, I am hidden from the eyes of the world.
If
the foot of the trees were not tied to earth, they would be pursuing
me;
For I have blossomed so much, I am
the envy of the gardens. -- Rumi
You are ready to transform your relationship with money; to become trustworthy with money spiritually--using money to bless. Read the YM book a few times until you understand the paradigm shift that the book contains. When that happens you will live your inner purpose more and more until the day arrives when you are financially independent (as defined in the book) and your outer purpose (making a living) can drop away, that is, it becomes a game you may or may not choose to play.
And you'll transform your relationship with people--sexuality changes from an outer to an inner experience; we let go of making certain people 'special' to loving everyone equally (visit MW's website), and more.
7. Where to next? Apparently people have an infinite inner depth, so, as Chuck Spezzano liked to say: "How good can you stand it?" So, come join the caravan and see how far we can go...perhaps we'll meet Rumi in a field somewhere.
Out
beyond ideas of right and wrong,
There
is a field, I'll meet you there.
And we
will let the beauty we find
Be what we
dare. -- DUP verse, from Rumi
Dependence
In this, the beginning of life stage, we are
totally dependent on our caregivers. Unfortunately these caregivers
are people, human beings often with their own sets of wounds, unable
to give us what we need. Thus we begin life only partially cared for
and often the stages of development are only partially
realized.
Independence
We arrive at our early
adult years disillusioned and undeveloped. We give up on our
parents to provide for our needs and disconnect from them, creating
instead a fantasy caregiver who does provide for our needs. We have
become independent. This is our first romantic relationship.
Sometimes it comes in the form of an imaginary “superhero”
character, a movie or sports star, but usually its another person,
usually of the opposite sex.
So the hallmark of the
Independence stage is that we relate to the universe not through
reality but through an image, a fantasy. We live in an imaginary
world. We look to others to meet our needs. Even our concept of God
is part of our fantasy--we create God in our own image. Salvation is
somewhere in the future.
Because we are disconnected from the
natural prosperity of life we live in a constant state of wanting and
unfulfilment. We are preoccupied with getting. Because we do not
truly receive from The Source everything we 'give' is sacrificial
and/or counterfeit and is 'giving to get'. We guess at what love and
caring is. We often feel phony. Most of our days are spent in
daydreams; reliving the past or dreaming about the future (as worry
or anticipation).
Controlling the world and having worldly
goals and purpose is a vital part of this stage.
When our
partners’ actions don’t meet the mental picture of our
imaginary world, we attempt to control and manipulate them so that
our imaginary world is not threatened. If my partner submits to my
control they deaden themselves, if we are unsuccessful in changing
them our own imaginary world is threatened and we feel disillusioned
and deadened.
Eventually the reality of life no longer
supports our imaginary world. Our partner in particular turns out to
be human with his or her own needs. We no longer know how to relate
to the world. Our life is filled with problems. Life loses its
luster, nothing seems to mean anything anymore. We feel dead inside
and our relationships too feel dead.
We have reached a
crossroads, we must either give up the fantasy image world or create
a new fantasy and try again. Most people choose another fantasy and
work harder than ever to make it work--but of course it is doomed to
failure because it is not rooted in reality. You know you're stuck in
this pattern when it takes more and more effort for less and less
results.
If
I could taste one sip of an answer,
I
could break out of this prison for drunks.
I
didn't come here of my own accord, and I can't leave that
way.
Whoever brought me here, will have
to take me home. -- Rumi
Interdependence
This is the beginning of a new life. A life based on reality. Most of us don't know much about it; we grew up believing in a world where 'things' could make us happy, where people were here to 'meet my needs', a scary world of dog-eat-dog.
To live here in reality we need to:
Re-parent ourselves; finish the work our parents started. Having a Practice Partner can help to make that easier.
Learn life-skills that are based in reality.
Forgive ourselves and others for the mistakes made in the past when we didn't know what we were doing.
Seek out others who are like-minded.
Develop an intimate union with The Source of all reality; all of our guidance will come from here.
Giving up our idea of how things should be is the beginning of our
relationship with reality. Letting go of self-concepts, of how my
partner should behave, of how we believe the world functions is the
key to this stage.
Now everything we do must be grounded in
reality, we want to be one with reality. We will need to learn
principles and life-skills that work in reality and we must give up
manipulating and controlling others. People are not here to meet our
needs, they are here to share the journey of life. The concept
of roles and duties as the world defines them no longer apply.
We need to re-evaluate all of our old beliefs.
When we live
this way we are connected to the natural prosperity of life and so
are fulfilled and satisfied. We can live a life of true giving,
loving, and caring.
Our mantra becomes: "Just for today/this hour/this minute/this moment I'm willing to act in the most Loving Way." We may not always feel that, but it comes from the knowledge that the vast majority of us is deeply connected to Love and only a tiny portion of us is "petty, hurt, fearful, dissatisfied, upset." It just takes willingness on our part to allow Spirit to transform this day/this hour, etc into Sacred moments.
Our needs are met by life itself—sometimes through people in
our lives—sometimes through strangers. Sometimes we need to let
our needs go to allow ourselves to be surprised by the continuous
unfoldment of life in an unending variety of forms and
experiences.
The interdependence stage has 3 levels as well.
These are: Partnership, Vision, Mastery.
In Partnership
we discover a new type of relationship based on fulfilled giving. We
have fun. We are creative. We care about others in a true way.
In
Vision we go through another level of cleansing know as sacred
fire-pain/sacred-fire love. We see everyone as our teacher. We lead
by demonstration.
In Mastery we discover a profound
connection to the universe and become a voice for truth.
In life we often get a desire for one thing or another to happen now or in the future. There is nothing wrong with that, it’s just that our ego, in its effort for self-continuance, likes to paint itself into the picture.
Goals and desires begin with a feeling... a feeling I would like to have now or in the future. When ego gets involved it creates an image of how this is to be accomplished. However, since ego can only draw from past experiences, the image it creates is based on variations of events from the past. We don’t want more of the past—the universe is unfolding, is changing, so an image based on the past can never be fully satisfying.
You could say that the goal is like a framed canvas picture. The frame is our feeling, this is what holds the entire picture together. What is painted on the canvas is a creation of ego—how our ego would achieve the feeling.
To allow spirit to enter into our goals keep the framed picture in mind but allow the image inside the picture to gently fade away. The feeling (frame) is genuine—keep that alive within yourself. Then replace any expectations you have with expectancy—the knowledge and excitement that goes with knowing that spirit will provide a wondrous new event that will exceed anything your ego could ‘paint’. What spirit will create for you will make your heart sing with delight, will take you to sublime heights of bliss.
Each of us interacts with the universe in our own unique way. Even though mystics have told us for thousands of years that the meaning of the universe cannot be grasped by the human mind we still develop or adopt a mental model of the universe that seems to make sense. And it appears to work, most of the time—we plan the next day, we plan our vacations, we interact with friends, family, our jobs in a predictable way. But sometimes it gets in the way, particularly in intimate relationships. Sometimes I assume that my partner sees the world the same way I do and has the same values as me, and invariably conflict arises. We might even agree on ‘how things work’, and yet conflict occurs.
It’s important to remember that my personal model is just that, a personal way of seeing the universe. It’s just a projection of mind, it cannot possibly represent reality. So when your model clashes with your partners don’t get caught in a power struggle about whose model is the one the relationship will use. Look instead at the similarities and the points of joining and honor them. Just overlook the differences, don’t allow the differences to take center stage. Keep it light, our models are just figments of imagination.
Focus on the relationship bond, the energy that binds you together—that will be based in spirit, in truth. Then allow the form the relationship takes to happen as long as it does not compromise your core values. Even our values are based on a value model. That is why having a great relationship with our inner guide is essential. When we don’t know what to do, we go inside to find the answer. Otherwise we are left with a set of spiritual rules and guidelines which are fine for predictable situations but don’t work well in individual situations and scenarios.
When we value our partner’s point of view (model) we also expand our own view of the universe.
"Utter Truthfulness is the channel through which the Spirit
emerges. To subtle vision, such a truthfulness in a person appears to
be a dot of light in him or a bright aura around him."
"Being
forthright and honest has the power to attract positive conditions
and overcome the limits of time."
When you become aware
of dishonesty or a withhold, explain your own part in the dishonesty,
never point out the other persons part--that is for spirit to
address.
We want to deal with anything that causes a change
of relationship bond energy, a fantasy or expectation about the
relationship--anything that affects the relationship bond energy
negatively or positively. The reason we do this is to keep our
partner "in the loop" about what is happening with us.
Otherwise they will sense a change in the relationship and typically
assume the worst. Use lots of daily appreciation’s with each
other—look carefully at your partner, when you see it in them
you are also seeing it in yourself.
Practice Partners (also known as Sacred Relationships, or Spiritual Partnerships) is a commitment between two people to take a journey of mutual self-learning.
The purpose is to discover their inner gifts and release what holds them back from feeling and acting fully alive. Couples often commit to a fixed time period (for example, 1 year). They then re-negotiate whether or not they want to continue. To begin they need only make a heart-felt commitment to each other.
A practice partnership focuses on mutual re-parenting:
Determine where we got stuck in childhood development stages; where we didn't complete the lesson.
Re-learn the lesson with our practice partner.
Learn how functional relationships work and practice those methods with each other.
There are 3 stages to a practice partnership:
Creating a safe space and practicing being truthful to a deeper level than we have ever experienced before.
We learn what makes successful relationships work and practice those methods.
We deal with "upper limits" barriers; how we sabotage ourselves to go beyond what we envision for ourselves.
A practice partnership has a true spiritual goal—wholeness.
The level of involvement between the two depends on how safe they feel with each other. Some start off as friends and let the relationship develop naturally. Others start off with an intense romantic relationship and then change it at some point to a sacred relationship. It's also possible to take an existing troubled relationship and transform it to a Sacred Relationship.
To make it work you need two people who are somewhat self aware (conscious) and who are willing to do the work. Part of the work is to discover where we got stuck in our development and to reveal that to our partner so that they can help us “re-parent” ourselves.
It is different from normal “romantic” relationships because it is based on what can I give my partner rather than what my partner can give me. I receive through true giving. As I learn to love my partner’s defects of character I heal my own inner defects that I have disowned.
That doesn’t mean I must learn to live with what my partner does. I need to discuss with them how their behavior affects me— and I’ll need to learn to say that in a loving way. Often people do things unconsciously without knowing how they affect others with their actions. In a sacred relationship we become conscious of our actions, beliefs, and expectations.
In a sacred relationship, the feeling of safety that each person experiences is more important than getting things done. We go only as fast as we feel safe. There should not be any pressure to do anything unless there is mutual agreement. We learning to listen; we learn to fight fairly.
Rather than try to get my partner do things for me or give me a certain feeling, I am responsible for getting those things or feelings for myself. If my partner does happen to do those things for me it is because they truly want to give that. Being real and practicing harmlessness in the relationship is vital.
Because we are committed to a true spiritual goal, personal and spiritual growth is very fast. Couples often make amazing progress in just 1 year. They often progress very quickly to a love that is beyond “romantic love” into something that is deep and serene.
There is no fear of losing the other persons love through what I do or don’t do. As I learn to love another person as they are, I learn to love myself as I am.
“We fall in love—with our Missing Self.” -- HH
The relationship is not the goal, it is the path. The goal is feeling fully alive and acting on that aliveness.
More info at:
http://www.lightomega.org/Ind/Pure/Friendship.html
http://www.spiritofmaat.com/apr07/sacred_relationships_unfolding.html
http://happymarriages.com/?p=484
Google: "Sacred Relationships"
In life situations arise in the normal
course of living. When they are dealt with at the moment they arise
they are usually resolved immediately with the energy provided by
spirit or else a decision is made regarding the situation, also
provided by spirit. However, when we put them off or procrastinate
they become problems. Problems are situations blown out of proportion
that the ego uses to perpetuate itself into the future... “me
and my problems..." “If only I didn’t have these
problems I could..." and so on. To counteract the ego’s
problem-making machinations Spirit creates a solution to the problem
and places it in the center of the problem.
Therefore, when
ego-created problems arise:
1. Ask your inner self for the entire
problem... to see and feel it in its entirety.
2. Go to the center
of it. What will appear will be either a bright light or a void. The
solution is inside that. Embrace it.
3. Do what your inner voice
tells you to do. The energy to accomplish that is included with the
solution.
"The problem is not the problem, it's how we deal with the problem, that's the problem."
Many problems cannot be solved, only outgrown by choosing 'the high road' (the most loving action). Often they are simply ways of creating separation, defending a point-of-view, enhancing self, taking a relationship break, etc.
There are some problems we have that become chronic (are never-ending). This means the problem is: "More useful alive than dead." We use these problems to keep from taking the next step in our life because of fear, resentment, etc. Let these problems go and your life will change dramatically.
Sometimes we become so enmeshed, so identified, with our imperfections that we simply cannot access our own self-love. The slightest criticism, the slightest evidence of a shortcoming brings on a wave of shame or guilt. Ego has us trapped in a never ending cycle. We cannot be ourselves because being human means having shortcomings, bad days, impatience, etc. We have an unrealistic image of what a good person should be; and we don't fit that image. This person needs to get some distance from himself.
To bypass the ego under these conditions we need to “go through the back door,” so to speak. I'll try to demonstrate with an example: “A man has a daughter who he loves dearly. But he is unable to love himself because of his own imperfections. To access his own self-love what he needs to do is love his daughter's father. What he does is hold the feeling of love for his daughter in his heart and through that, love the man who is the father of his daughter. This gives him the distance he needs from his own imperfections. His daughter becomes the Gateway to his own love. He is able to give to his daughter's father what he couldn't give to himself.
This is also a good way to change difficult patterns of behavior. I've been struggling with overeating for many years. Nothing seemed to work. I couldn't seem to love myself enough to get to a healthy weight and lifestyle. When I got into a love relationship I was able to love myself by loving my beloveds lover (me) and the pounds just dropped off and I 'magically' became more interested in exercise.
So when ego wants me to have an "unhappy day" or have that second helping of BBQ ribs, I go into my heart where my beloved resides and do the most loving thing for my beloveds beloved (me!).
When two people enter into a close or committed relationship, a
bond develops between them. I call this the relationship bond.
More
about this: http://www.enotalone.com/article/2266.html
or Google ‘Relationship Bond’
This bond is
essential for the relationship to thrive. The bond is a palpable
energy field. Many people can feel it between themselves and their
spouse or children. They can also feel when something occurs to
strengthen or weaken this bond.
Maintaining and strengthening
this bond is the most important thing you can do with people in your
life.
Unfortunately, many people will weaken or break this
bond during a confrontation and then are bewildered when the
relationship is not restored after the argument is over. They can
sense that something ‘broke’ during the fight but are
unable to identify what that is. And once broken it takes
extraordinary effort to restore it to its previous strength.
What
is essential for you to know is that in a confrontation you can be
absolutely correct about the issue but if you allow the bond to
weaken or break you will always be wrong.
When you have a
confrontation, try to keep part of your attention on the bond, don’t
throw yourself fully into the argument. When you feel the bond is
being stressed say things to your partner to re-strengthen it. For
example say, “I can hear that you have strong opinions about
that, and I value your opinion.” Or, “I believe I’m
right about this ______ (issue), but I could be wrong. Tell me again
what you see.” “Tell me again how this affected you, this
time I’ll listen more carefully.” “I wish I loved
you more than I love being right.” “Could you give me 15
minutes so that I can cool down, I’m feeling angry right now
and I don't want to disrespect you by raising my voice.” “What
could we do in the future to prevent this from happening again.”
To strengthen the bond say things that are based in truth.
It's true that: you love your spouse, you value their friendship, you
are feeling angry, you are not listening, you want to be right, you
feel hurt, you are afraid, you need your partner, you feel insecure,
you feel dis-respected, you are disrespectful at this moment, and so
on. Practice going inside, don't be afraid to let go of your pride,
it's not worth much anyway, what you really want is self-respect and
you'll have that when you rise above 'petty' words, deeds, or
actions.
If
you are irritated by every rub,
how will
your mirror be polished? -- Rumi
True statements always strengthen
the bond if they are about you and if they come from the heart. Using
so-called 'true statements' that are used to manipulate or hurt
others are disasterous, are very damaging. You could even say
something like, "At this moment I can't stand to be near you."
Then go inside to see if that is true. If it's true just stay with
that, stay in the stillness. No explanations are needed. If it's not
true, say something like, "No, that's not true, I don't know
what I want right now." When you use true statements you are in
alignment with reality, with Spirit, and your words and actions
will have power in them.
Never point out your partner’s
antics in order to diminish your partner, stay with your own stuff.
Never, ever, retaliate when they say or do hurtful things—it’s
just their pain talking.
Don’t find ways to make the
other person wrong in order to ‘prop up’ your argument.
Stay on topic, refuse to deal with ‘old unresolved issues’.
You can only deal with current issues, with what is happening now.
There is no energy available for 'remembered' issues—they are
from a past which no longer exists.
Sounds difficult, but the
key is keeping part of your attention ‘on shore’, don’t
get completely submerged (captured) by the argument. And be the first
to apologize about your part in allowing the bond to weaken. Say
things like, “I’m sorry that I'm letting this
argument get between us, ....”
Most people
already know how to do this but they are not aware of it. See if this
sounds familiar. In the middle of a ‘battle royale’ the
telephone rings. Before I pick up the phone, my anger has
‘disappeared’ and I say ‘Hello’ with my
regular telephone voice. It’s my friend. We have a pleasant
conversation, then hang up. I return to my spouse and continue the
argument with my angry voice. So what happened there? I was deep in
an angry argument, popped out of my anger to have a pleasant
conversation, then returned to my anger in order to continue the
argument.
You can use this ability to pop out of your anger at
will to transform your arguments. When you get into a heated
argument, pop out of the argument to re-strengthen the bond, then
back to the argument. You can go back and forth as required. It's
quite amazing. When you get good at it arguments will actually
strengthen your bond and level of intimacy—and the attractive
force between the two of you will be irresistible. When that
happens there is no more fear that an argument or disagreement could
destroy the relationship; and now you’re on the royal road to
relationship bliss.
In my opinion criticism should be listed as an abuse. Yet many
people believe that somehow it "helps" others to be
stronger, tougher, straightens them out, gets their children 'ready
for life', and so on. And many people believe that it is the only way
that change happens; in their relationships, with their children, in
the world.
Personally, I believe that criticism starts
internally with the person who is doing the cricising, then they
project it onto others. It's a form of tyranny, a form of
violence.
So,
how do you stop? The first thing is DON'T
criticise yourself for criticising--that just adds fuel to the fire.
In fact, don't resist at all. Just notice when you do it, then make a
statement such as, "I just noticed that I'm quite critical of
______ (a name, a situation)," "I wonder what is
really going on inside me." If the force of criticism is still
strong, talk about that or else change the subject. The main thing is
to just report the existence of your critiscism. To make it more
powerful, say these statements out loud, to your friends, your spouse,
your family, your co-workers. Ego shrinks when we publicly expose it
for what it is.
More info: http://ezinearticles.com/?Criticism-Destroys-Intimacy&id=2755460